Being nice is not enough

Someone recently told me that he gets along with everyone with his niceness. He went on to explain that he approves of everyone’s behavior and doesn’t bother to tell them if they were doing anything wrong or unethical. I found this approach spineless because by being nice you won’t ruffle any feathers. If you focus on pleasing others with your niceness, you won’t add any value to people’s lives, you will only be engaging in non-value interactions. 

The world needs more than just “nice”. 

Are you willing to create cognitive dissonance in people who have lived their whole life based on unhealthy assumptions and irrational beliefs? Are you willing to question and confront unethical behaviors? Are you willing to inspire and transform people to be better versions of themselves? Are you willing to heal broken hearts and alleviate their suffering by teaching them new ways of thinking? Are you willing to take a stand and demonstrate courage in the face of opposition? If your answer is yes to the above questions, you will create an impact in this world whether or not people approve of you. However, if your answer is no, you will continue engaging in non-value activities and interactions from a place of fear than courage. 

Stay Committed

1. Commitment towards yourself - Your well-being, happiness, productivity and growth depends on you. You are not a victim of your circumstances. The quality of your life depends on the choices you make every day. 

2. Commitment to your spouse -  The day you married your spouse, you said in your heart  “I chose you and I’m going to stay with you no matter what”. Honour that commitment. Do not let people, circumstances, assumptions, stubbornness and disagreements create a division. Stand strong as one team.

3. Commitment to your children - Your children will carry the values which you ingrained in them. Your words of wisdom will resound in their ears even years later when they are away from you. Build them up with words of affirmation, make them battle-ready to overcome challenges in the future, encourage them to think independently and differently. 

4. Commitment to your parents - Your parents are not perfect. They probably made mistakes and it’s okay. Don’t hold it against them. You may not have received the affection you desired but it doesn’t change the established fact that they love you unconditionally. 

5. Commitment towards making this world a better place -  You are on this planet for a reason - a reason that is bigger than you and your family. You are a significant part of this creation having a higher purpose to accomplish. 

Commitment to yourself and your family is a lifelong journey

Love Maps

Researcher, Dr. John Gottman studied relationships for over four decades. He recommends that married couples build love maps to strengthen their relationship. Love maps can also be built to improve parent-child communication. It’s a method of enhancing emotional intimacy. You feel a sense of affection and attachment when you are able to bare your soul with the other without being ridiculed or judged. 

Here are a few questions that will help you build love maps.   

1. What is your greatest fear?

2. What is your most embarrassing moment?

3. What is your favourite/funniest/saddest childhood memory?

4. What are your worries?

5. What do you do to unwind and de-stress?

6. What are your life dreams?

7. In the past week, have I said things that made you feel hurt or disrespected?

8. What are the qualities you like/dislike about me?

9. How can I make you feel loved?

10. Name a difficult challenge we conquered together.

Love maps are built throughout one’s life. Families with strong bonds have detailed love maps of each other. 

Sit down with your loved ones to ask and answer the above questions. 

Become genuinely interested and curious about each other. 

Contempt is a Relationship Killer

Expressing contempt is a way of indirectly saying “you are not worthy of my respect”. Many of us have been guilty of showing contempt to our loved ones and were not even aware of it. 

Here are some indicators for you to introspect:

1. Paul Ekman, a researcher who studied emotions for decades, described facial expressions that indicate contempt - the corner of the lip is pulled back and slightly upwards. It's a mild sneer and the only universal asymmetrical facial expression. Additionally, scrunching your face or rolling your eyes indicates that you are minimizing the other. 

2. Making ‘ugh’ sounds. Sometimes we make the ‘ugh’ sound when we are physically exhausted. However, we also make the sound to show contempt. For instance, your spouse excitedly calls you to the window to watch the thunderstorm and you choose to make a grumpy ‘ugh’ sound because you consider it silly to watch the thunderstorm. Another example, your senior parent repeats the same things umpteen number of times and you respond with an ‘ugh’ sound accompanied with an irritated facial expression. The more ‘ughs’ you give, the more that person will pull away from you because you’re belittling them. 

3. What does the tone of your voice indicate, do you speak with disdain? No matter how extravagant your vocabulary, if your tone of voice is sarcastic or harsh, you are demeaning the other. 

Become aware of how you respond to the people around you. Your micro facial expressions, tone of voice and body language speak louder than your words. Contempt is an inner disdain - a projection of one’s shame on the other. Put it away. 

Be compassionate

Life is Beutiful

A lot of people in this world have mental blind spots i.e inability to see the things that are working in their favour. They will ignore the positives, be ungrateful for their blessings and wallow in self-pity for real or perceived disappointments. 

The human spirit is built to survive the harshest adversity, the toughest challenge and the darkest hour. The meaning you give to life experiences will determine whether your children will develop an indomitable spirit or the one that gives up easily.  

Today, take the time to count your blessings as a family. Make it a ritual wherein you and your children sit together on weekends to discuss the highs and lows of the week. Practicing this regularly will teach your children to appreciate their life experiences - both pleasant and unpleasant ones. 

Life is a tapestry that is being woven - the knots and the mess make sense when you view the front side of the tapestry. 

Appreciate life

Making and Receiving Repair Attempts

No one is perfect. Everyone makes errors in relationships without realizing the impact it has on the other. However, we need to learn how to make and receive attempts to repair the relationship.

✓ The brave ones apologize with words either spoken or written. When you do apologize, say it like you mean it. Also, be open to receive apologies from others. It takes a special kind of courage to say "I messed up, forgive me". 

✓ Not everyone apologizes with words. Sometimes, their efforts to restore the relationship are seen in their behaviour. They may prepare your favourite meal, make you a hot cup of tea, mop every room in the house, fix the AC or the leaking pipe in the kitchen, do the laundry, compliment the meal you prepared, turn on your favourite song or T.V show, defend you in front of others, stock your preferred flavour of ice-cream in the freezer, ask you for your advice and find reasons to talk to you. 

Learn to recognize these signs. Don’t let your ego stop you from making and receiving amends. When you do reconcile, do not remind the other of their past mistakes.

Reconnect and reunite

Stop Making Assumptions

Assumptions are mental constructs we make about ourselves, people, or the world without substantial information or concrete evidence. They are interpretations or rather misinterpretations of events or the actions of others. Not every thought that pops into our minds is true. Assumptions can also develop based on one’s insecurities and past experiences. The chances of assumptions being true are 50–50.

Common assumptions and ways of dealing with them:

1. Catastrophic thinking — Assuming the worst. For example, If your loved ones are not responding to your calls, you assume that something terrible might have happened.

✓ Don’t be too quick to react. Increase awareness that your assumptions are not facts.

2. Jumping to conclusions — Making predictions. An insecure person may assume that his or her spouse will start cheating because they complimented another person.

✓ Brainstorm possibilities that could justify the other’s actions. Interrogate your assumptions, not the person.

3. “If they love me they should read my mind” — Being silent or speaking vaguely and expecting others to read you.

✓ No one can read your mind. If you need something, you got to ask.

Assumptions not only increase your anxiety but also wreck relationships. In the words of Henry Winkler “Assumptions are the termites of relationships”.  Be wise

Build Your Child's Self-Worth

For your Daughters - Girls, and women in general, are quite sensitive to the comments made about their appearance. Make sure you don’t compare your daughter - her body size, hair texture or skin colour to her siblings, friends, or cousins. If you want her to lose excess weight, ask her to join you for daily workouts instead of shaming her body and her eating habits. If her skin tone is darker than her family members, avoid making it a topic of ridicule or discussion. The demeaning remarks you make will ring in her ears even in adulthood. Compliment your daughter. A girl who often hears the words “you’re beautiful” from her parents will not fall prey to empty words from predators. Highlight her strengths and show her that she is more than just her looks. Your daughter will carry herself with confidence and dignity when you treat her with honour.

For your Sons - Boys are sensitive to emasculating remarks that make them feel useless. When men retire they continue contributing to their family or society to fulfill their yearning to feel useful. Do not compare your son to others and do not deride him when he exposes his vulnerable side to you. Although boys have a desire to feel strong and responsible, they also have a compassionate side that needs to be nurtured. Foster empathetic behaviors and encourage problem-solving skills. Fathers, be a role model to your sons. If you’re a single mother, talk to your son about great men who have walked this planet and impacted the lives of many. Show your son that he has the power to make meaningful contributions. 

Home is a place of ...

Millions of Indians stranded abroad are being repatriated. People stranded in different states have one thing in mind - get home. In times of crisis, we all want to return to our abode of memories and reunite with our loved ones. 

Questions for you to reflect on. On a continuum, is your home environment leaning towards

1. Order or confusion?

2. Unity or division?

3. Healing or wounding?

4. Giving love or withholding it?

5. Joy or misery?

6. Relaxation or stress?

7. Appreciation or insults?

8. Acceptance or rejection?

9. Forgiveness or resentment?

10. Growth or stagnation?

11. Hope or despair?

The home environment has a strong influence on the child’s emotional and social development. Unhealed emotional wounds in childhood manifest in adult relationships. 

When your children leave their nest, what are the memories and emotions they will carry with them? 

Reflect. 

Make your home a place for nurturing the

Look into my eyes, you will see what you mean to me

The opening lines of a popular Bryan Adams’ song is what is required to strengthen relationships. Eye contact is the simplest way of acknowledging the existence of the other person. It's a non-verbal way of saying “I see you”.

The amount of eye contact people have with each other determines whether or not they share a deep connection. Couples, friends, parents- children who have higher levels of eye contact are likely to describe their relationship as strong and happy. 

Emotions tend to affect the amount of eye contact you make. For example, when you feel disgust you either tend to look away or you look with contempt on the other. When you have disagreements and are upset, you are more likely to avoid eye contact until your emotional state has returned to normalcy. However, if you are upset throughout the day and every day, your loved ones are going to feel disconnected from you. 

Eye contact also affects trust. When someone is lying to you, they are more likely to avoid eye contact or have shifty eyes. No wonder we say “Look in my eyes and talk”. However, this may not be true for everyone as insecurity or awkwardness may make people feel uncomfortable with eye contact. And some seasoned liars are able to maintain a steady gaze.

Neuroscience proves that when two people mutually gaze at each other for longer periods of time their brains are in sync. The ‘mirror neurons’ start firing and the two people are more likely to imitate each other’s behaviour without being consciously aware of it. 

Since you're spending so much time with each other don't get weary of making eye contact. Use this opportunity to increase the amount of time you spend gazing into the eyes of your parents, spouse and children. You will notice the difference in the quality of your relationships. 

You Are The Story You Tell Yourself

When people speak about their life experiences, they are mostly describing their interpretation of those experiences. Their interpretations also have emotions attached to it - both positive and negative. For example, you may have had a difficult childhood, a bitter divorce, or a traumatic life experience. What is your interpretation of those events and what are the emotions associated with it? Are you still hurting? Or do you consider yourself to be an overcomer?

Your crucible experiences may have been arduous but the outcome of the story depends on your interpretation of it.

When you narrate your story from a state of helplessness and continue to feel helpless even today you are more likely to feel and act like a victim. However, when you choose to look at the past as a learning experience which has transformed you into a strong person, then you are more likely to think and act like a victor.

The stories you tell yourself not only affect you but also your children. They will develop learned helplessness or learned optimism based on how you narrate the story of your life experiences to them. Make it a story worth telling.

Self-Care

The extension of lockdown, non-operational beauty parlours, barber shops, and gyms shouldn't become an excuse to neglect your body. Make sure you and your children maintain daily self-care habits.

1. Personal hygiene. Toxins which accumulate on the body need to be washed away on a daily basis. Your children may think it's unnecessary to bathe every day. They may also come up with creative excuses to avoid bathing. Don't let your children convince you into having their way especially if it's an unhealthy habit. Give them firm and short commands to do it. 

2. Sleep hygiene. Lack of sleep can affect the brain's ability to focus, solve problems, and make rational decisions. Sleep deprivation increases crankiness and irritability. Several teenagers with an obsession for online games and Netflix have a reputation of staying up late, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. Have family rules concerning the time restrictions for using gadgets and ensure that every member of the family complies with those rules. Indulge in relaxing activities before bedtime. 

3. Move often. Sitting for too long is not healthy. Encourage your children to move and stretch during short breaks while attending online classes. In the evenings get them to join you for walks, yoga, aerobics, dance, workouts etc. It has been proven time and again that regular exercise makes you healthier and happier. 

Basic self-care is an absolute must for mental, physical and social well-being. 

Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

When you're living with your family 24/7 with limited opportunity for social interaction outside home, petty issues are likely to snowball. You will find yourself nagging each other more than ever before. Don't let the lockdown sour your relationships. 

Practice emotional intelligence. 

1. Manage your anger - Anger is a normal human emotion that is triggered when things don't work the way you expect or when someone does you wrong. Emotionally intelligent people know the importance of pausing before responding. Avoid maximizing trivial issues. 

2 Forgive quickly - The emotional climate of your home will determine whether it's a place for healing or a warzone. Relationships will thrive when you learn to let go of real or perceived offences and are willing to restart. Every disagreement or quarrel shouldn't turn into a battle. 

3. Manage your anxiety - Avoid spilling your anxiety on your children. You may be anxious about your business, job, or finances but don't let your worries become the dominant topic of discussion. Children and more so single children are more likely to absorb their parents' anxieties. You can express your concerns and brainstorm constructive solutions together.  

4. Cheer up - Humour is the best way to diffuse tension and decrease anxiety. Learn to lighten up, don't turn your home into a classroom where you're lecturing your loved ones 24/7. 

5. Give positive strokes   - Appreciate the cooking of your spouse, the household chores done by your children, the efforts (big and small) put in by each member of your family. Express gratitude more often. 

Triangulation in Relationships

Triangulation occurs when a third person is invited to a relationship between two people with the intent to resolve conflicts between them. Triangulation can occur in any relationship - between husband & wife, parent & child, siblings, spouse & in-laws. For example, when things are not going well with your spouse, you may ask your friend or parent to intervene. Or when you are having perpetual conflicts with your child, you may ask a therapist or a trusted adult to intervene.

Triangulations can be negative or positive depending on whom you invite into the relationship to resolve the conflicts. They could make things worse or better for you.

1. Negative or dysfunctional triangulation - when you invite people who are either naïve, biased, irrational, or have a hidden agenda to resolve a conflict, they are more likely to take sides - either your side or the other person's side. This will make things worse for the two people in a relationship. 

2. Positive or functional triangulation - inviting people who can think objectively and act as peacemakers will strengthen the relationship. If a dyad relationship is falling apart then it's logical to draw a third person who will take sides with neither but will recommend what is best for the two people to amplify their bond and amicably resolve their differences. 

Reflect.

Zone Management

Anthropologist Edward Hall describes 4 zones through which we interact with the world around us. Although the zones were initially used to describe proxemics or the amount of physical space you maintain with people, it is now used to describe the importance we give to things or people in our life.

1. Intimate zone - this zone includes your spouse and children.

2. Personal zone - your parents, in-laws, siblings, belong to the personal zone.

3. Social zone - relatives, friends, neighbours, and colleagues fall in this zone.

4. Public zone - the people with whom you interact very little belong to this zone.

Problems occur when you don't maintain these zones. For example, you allow people from your social zone into your intimate zone i. e. you consistently prioritize and value the relationship you share with your friends more than the relationship you share with your spouse and children.

Alternatively, you may push people from your intimate zone out to the social or public zone and bring work, money, addictions, strangers into your intimate zone.

If your family members complain that you treat them worse than you treat your friends, then it's time to introspect and put your zones in order.

Prioritize people in the intimate zone followed by those in the personal.

Red Pill or Blue Pill

In the movie The Matrix,  Morpheus offers Neo two choices either the red pill which will open his eyes to knowledge and the hard realities of life or the blue pill which will keep him living in blissful ignorance.

What pill would you choose?

Red pill - knowledge and truth are power. Reality can be harsh but it's always better to live with the truth than blindly with the lies. The red pill philosophy states that we need to confront the lies and uphold the truth no matter how ruthless the truth is. This philosophy can be applied to every aspect of your life - personal, relational, professional and global. 

Blue pill - some people choose to live in la-la land. Romantic novels, fairy tales, media and K drama encourage blue pill thinking. They pass down a narrative to make you believe that you are the victim or the innocent one and the other is the villain. Blue pill thinking encourages you to see things only from your perspective. It blocks rational thinking and multiple perspectives. You believe what you choose to believe.

Make your choice - the red pill or the blue.

Reflect

The lockdown has taught us many lessons - relationships are built on quality time spent together, small gestures of kindness have a huge impact, technology is inevitable part of our lives, the earth is thriving without human interference.

Today, take time to reflect on the lessons learned during the lockdown.

1. Personal - what have you discovered about yourself? What new skills have you built? What fears have you overcome?

2. Children - do you know their strengths and weaknesses? Have you discovered their hidden talents?

3. Spouse - have you learned to appreciate your partner's flaws? Do you forgive petty issues quickly now?

4. Relatives & Neighbours - have you made deeper connections and found creative ways to ease their lack or loneliness?

5. Nature - have you taken time to admire nature rejuvenate to it's original glory?

6. Humanity - do you feel more connected to people than ever before despite the physical distance?

7. Purpose - have you found meaningfulness to life?


Enjoy reflecting 😊

Reinvent Yourself

No one is returning to a normal life after the lockdown, it'll be new normalcy that we need to prepare for.

1. New mindset - gratitude for life, reduced emotional reactivity, absence of excuses, increased creative thinking skills, a high threshold for stress, enhanced ability to delay gratification, and increased self-awareness.

2. New behaviours - healthy dietary habits, physical fitness, prioritizing what matters the most, better adaptability, mindful living and interpersonal skills, pro-social behaviour, minimal living, reduced expenses, and less clutter.

3. New skills - life skills, professional development, tech skills, marketing skills, using the virtual environment to your advantage.

Every problem is a blessing in disguise. Make the lockdown an opportunity for you to reinvent yourself.