How to catch a troublemaker

When someone tries to get under your skin with their lies, you know you're dealing with a troublemaker. They will often quote "she said, he said or they said". The person will try to convince you, that what they are saying to you is true, by falsely quoting another person. They will also use triangulation to relay false information between you and another party. This tactic is widely used in organizations by bullies to harass their target and is often used by wreckers in personal relationships to instigate one against the other. In most cases, the troublemaker constructs a fictional story in their head and feeds it to your ears but claims that story has come from another source.

"S/he said that you ......." - fill in the blanks of the false things you've heard about yourself. Most of the times, listening to false allegations, rumors and gossips may have resulted in feelings of dejection or caused your nostrils to flare in anger.

Troublemakers enjoy spinning a web of deception to conceal their devious schemes. And they often have a rich experience at it. You are presented with no evidence nor facts that support their claims. At times the troublemaker will find some more troublemakers to gang up against you.

The lie is the primary weapon and facts are often twisted when someone is motivated with an intention to cause you trouble.  

You could choose to ignore them, walk away or expose them. I found the best way of dealing with such person/s is by publicly confronting them and their intentions, particularly, in front of the those they misquote - at work or in personal life. Yes, they will deny, act clueless or fight back but truth and facts are your supreme weapons. 

HOW SOCIAL MEDIA CAN AID IN INDENTIFYING DEPRESSION

Social media posts can help unveil depression among our friends and followers.  As a social media user, you can do your bit by being alert to the warning signs of those struggling with depression. There have been several cases wherein people have expressed their distress online with the hope of being rescued. Their pleas for help went ignored until it was too late to save them. Listed below are types of content that depressed or suicidal individuals upload on their social media accounts.  

The posts include but are not limited to:

• Melancholic pictures - A research published in EPJ Data Science found that depressed Instagrammers were more likely to use filters that were bluer, greyer and darker than warmer and brighter filters that are generally used by non-depressed individuals.

• Depressed selfies - Some individuals consistently upload sad pictures of themselves including pictures of them in tears. It's not an attention-seeking tactic but rather a way of documenting their battle with depression. They want to show the world the raw and unedited side of themselves.

• Pictures of self- harm - Unlike before, teenagers today share images of self-inflicted injuries on their body. And they do so under coded hashtags and 'finsta' accounts. Some even join online communities that support and validate self-harm. Instead of being repulsed by images of cutting, young people tend to compete to make the deepest gash.  

• Pictures of pills, guns, knives, or blades -  Images of weapons used for self-harm and suicide are also posted. Boys are more likely to upload pictures of them holding a gun. 

• Captions, statuses, and hashtags that indicate desperation and misery - A research study conducted at the University of Washington and the University of Wisconsin- Madison found that students who regularly posted 'dark updates' met the American Psychiatric Association's criteria for depression.

• Poems on suicide - While some distressed individuals may post a direct note stating their intention to end their life others may express their hopelessness through poems.

The above warning signs can serve as indicators to detect underlying mental health issues. Therefore, one must exercise care while dealing with such an individual.

• Posts that indicate a threat to the safety of self or others should always be taken seriously.

• Maximizing or minimizing the individual's pain is not the solution.

• Rude and mocking comments must be avoided as it will further aggravate the individual. 

• Do not ridicule the individual as an attention-seeker. S/He may require urgent mental health intervention.

• Instagram and Facebook allow users to report posts as suicidal. The concerned individual then receives links to an online counselor and other helpful resources. 

• Family members must be informed.  

• Depressed users are also good at concealing their feelings and may not show signs of distress in their content and pictures that are posted online. Hence, family and friends must be observant. Significant changes in the individual's behavior and daily functioning calls for an evaluation by a psychologist or psychiatrist.

• Social media is known to exacerbate symptoms of depression, anxiety and body dysmorphia among vulnerable young people. Cyber-bullying and digital self-harm have become a growing concern. Therefore, parents and educators need to mentor children on the proper use of social media and discuss mental health issues more openly.

Mean Women

If I ever consider doing a Ph.D., it would be on studying female bitchiness.

Women are known to show passive-aggression towards other women. This behavior is observed across cultures. Fairy tales abound with stories of 'wicked' women who try their best to eliminate 'good' women who are viewed as competition. The poison-laced apple is replaced with poison-laced words. Women engage in slandering, back-stabbing and gossiping as a result of deep-rooted insecurity.

I believe every woman reading this has experienced being gossiped about by other women. Some may have even enjoyed becoming the frenemy.  

Based on my observation, interaction, and experience with insecure women, I'd like to share my findings.

Things that strike fear in the heart of insecure women

• Women who are attractive
• Women who dress well
• Women who wear red lipstick/clothes/shoes
• Women who are achievers
• Women who have a lavish lifestyle
• Women who are confident and self-assured
• Women who receive excessive attention from men
• Women who have it all together

Signs you're dealing with an insecure woman

• Withholds important information
• Gives you false information or twists the truth
• Gossips about other women to deflect attention from one's own inadequacies
• Uses sarcasm to taunt you
• Humiliates you in front of others
• Rubs salt into your wounds
• Has betrayed you more than once
• Distracts you or attempts to dissuade you from working hard or finishing a task
• Is nosey and wants to know everything about your life especially if you have any 'dark secrets'

Pay attention to micro-facial expressions.

• Gives you a disapproving look for no reason at all
• Shows disdain for your choice of clothes, make-up, shoes, etc
• Rolls her eyes or slightly smirks whenever you talk about the positive things in your life
• Avoids making eye-contact when you speak or gives you a cold look
• Stares at you from a distance

Women who are used to being excellent at what they do don't feel the need to tarnish the reputation of other women. However, those accustomed to mediocrity cannot bear to see another doing well. With no clear goals or purpose in life, they enjoy disrupting the goals of others.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

Triggered

I have seen the malevolence in the eyes of humans when my house was attacked by a mob in 2013. The increase in the number of mob violence cases In India has triggered me to write this.

I've come up with a few possible explanations to describe the types of people in a mob.

The ignorant: These are people who will believe every fake news and rumor. Imagine someone forwards your picture with a label 'child trafficker /terrorist /beef smuggler /etc'. There will be thousands of people who will believe the forwarded message rather than question its authenticity. Within a few minutes, your picture would go viral, thanks to the astounding number of stupid people.

The spineless: Mobs comprise of people who are gullible and cannot think for themselves. They cannot debate intellectually nor have the courage to fight it out legally. They would rather flex their muscles to live with the lie than accept the truth.

The fools: Mobs also consists of people who operate through emotions rather than reason. In other words, they lack the capacity to think rationally. Hence they are easily provoked by rumors and false news.

The bloodthirsty: These include people who lack conscience and are driven by their violent impulses. Mobs give them a channel to vent these impulses. These psychopaths are also skilled at instigating others to become part of the crime.

The hidden: Mobs allow a certain amount of anonymity to the people involved. You can't catch everyone who is part of a mob especially if it involves hundreds of people. These are those who love the thrill of committing a crime and still go scot-free.

The bootlickers: People who want to display their loyalty will also join the perpetrators to show their support even if they have the slightest realization that the victim is innocent. These include blind worshippers of corrupt people especially corrupt politicians. Like the spineless, the bootlickers will nod their heads in affirmation to the crime they have been asked to commit.

The anti-social: People who refuse to obey laws would choose violence as an intimidation tactic. My house was pelted with stones on the 26th of May, 2013 by a mob of around 150 people. And this happened in the presence of the Goa police. Why? As a retaliation to the court battle which my dad is fighting single-handedly against the illegalities and misuse of the open spaces that are in front of my house.

God forbid any of these people came knocking at your door. Reading about mob violence in the newspapers or watching it on television is exceedingly disturbing but experiencing it, is very traumatic.

What's the solution?

Education and awareness - I cannot stop emphasizing how important it is to educate yourself and those around you. Just because you find some news on the internet doesn't mean it's true. Verify the facts and research.

Develop critical thinking skills - Question the intention of the news you hear or read. Question the intention of the person/s spreading the rumor. Teach your children and students to think critically rather than follow others blindly or believe everything that they hear.

Choose your company carefully - Keep distance from the types of people, I've mentioned above. You don't want to be influenced by their pattern of thinking or behaving even more so if you're a highly suggestible person.

Don't take the law into your hands - According to the Supreme Court of India, "mob violence is a crime irrespective of the motive". Nobody has the right to harm another human being or damage their property. Period.

Dealing with Pesky Humans

We choose the people we spend time with but we can't completely avoid interacting with those that enjoy throwing their sh*t around.   

What to do......

1. When someone gossips.

There is a difference between someone venting out their frustrations about their relationship with XYZ - the direct impact XYZ has had on them and someone fabricating lies about XYZ. Often it is the imagined threat that drives insecure people to gossip with an attempt to damage the other's reputation. The best way to confront a malicious gossiper is to ask point blank "How is that affecting you/ How is what XYZ  is doing affecting you?". The question will catch them off guard and they won't have a plausible answer to validate their slanderous remarks. 

2. When someone belittles you. 

These include friends, co-workers, relatives or people you don't even know like the multitude of internet trolls. People who undermine and ridicule you are dealing with unresolved issues themselves. Ask them "Is there something bothering you?". Most of their attacks stem from jealousy. The question may aggravate them or cause them to reflect. If you want to avoid confronting them, I'd say develop the skill of not giving an eff.

3. When someone lies to you. 

It's funny how liars are convinced of their own lies. To catch a liar, ask for details. Liars are more likely to continue spinning tales when you ask - "Who, what, when, which, how?". No matter how skilled a liar is, their tongue is likely to eventually spill out discrepancies thereby exposing their deceit. 

4. When someone is always whining. 

Some people practice intolerance to such an extent that they deserve an award for constantly cribbing about the food, the weather, the service in first class, the size of their gift, or the rainbow in the sky. Ask them to describe admirable qualities of the very things they feel discontented about. There are real issues that are affecting the society today, ask them to come up with possible solutions for those issues than focus on petty things.